i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
