apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
