I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
