He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
