She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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