I am in a vortex of obligation.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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