what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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