i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
