margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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