wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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