life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
