I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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