i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
