GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
