I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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