I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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