The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
