Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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