So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
