Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
