Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
