I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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