Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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