I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Are my feet made of real feet?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
