i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
