I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
