the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
