I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
