Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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