dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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