mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
