Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
