Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
