She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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