I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
