70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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