If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
