I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
