I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
