Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
