My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
