the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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