Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
