She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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