Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
