My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
