About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
