the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I smell stomach acid.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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