my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
