i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
