She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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